beingdesh

Category: Humor

  • अमृतसरी प्रेम कहानी, जो हो न सकी…

    निकला था मैं देश देखने,
    खाने पीने, और कुछ अच्छा लिखने.
    क्या पता था यह सफ़र मेरा दिल तोड़ देगा,
    ग़म भरे मोड़ पर ला कर मुझे छोड़ देगा.

    भरवान दा ढाबा के वोह करारे कुलचे
    मदमस्त चने और खिलखिलाती लस्सी.
    फिरनी जैसी आपने कभी न खायी,
    नरम पनीर की बाहों में संतुष्टी पायी.

    चटोरेपन का अध्याय पूर्ण कर,
    जब निकल रहा था उदर से डकारो का स्वर.
    तभी आई पीछे से एक मधुर वाणी
    “Excuse Me”

    सुन के लगा यह तो है कोई अपनी,
    कानो में घुल सी गयी जैसे फिर वही मलाईदार फिरनी.
    लम्बा कद, गोरा रंग, हलके हरे नयन,
    पहली नज़र में ही मेरे दिल ने कर लिया उसका चयन.

    उत्सुकता से भरी, हलकी सकपकाई, हलकी चकराई,
    करना चाहती थी भारतीय खाने की पढाई.
    मैंने कहा मैं समझाता आपको क्या मक्खन क्या मलाई,
    मन ही मन कहा वाह कन्या तूने क्या किस्मत है पायी.

    बातो ही बातो में पता पड़ा घूम रही वोह अपना ७१वा देश,
    थी पत्रकार, करती खबरों से प्यार और गर्मी से क्लेष.
    वार्तालाप आगे बढ़ा, जन्मा प्रेम का नवंकुर,
    उन आँखों में भी दिखा बढ़ता लगाव क्षणभंगुर.

    उसने कहा कल कल दिन “साथ” करीबी गाँव है घूमते,
    अमृतसर की गलियों के स्वादों को चखते.
    दिल गया धड़क और बढ़ी मेरी आशा,
    पर पेट में हो रही थी गुडगुड और सिर में घनघोर तमाशा.

    इन सबके ऊपर आधे घंटे में थी मेरी बस,
    प्रेम और पेट के बीच हुआ मैं बेबस.
    मैंने सोचा यही थी अपनी कहानी,
    अलविदा कहते हुए आखों में आ गया पानी.

    जाते जाते मिला मुझे एक दोस्ताना आलिंगन,
    जिसकी यादो के सहारे कटेगा मेरा जीवन.
    माहौल तो पका, पर प्यार की फिरनी न पक सकी,
    अमृतसरी प्रेम कहानी, जो हो न सकी, जो हो न सकी…

    -अभिषेक ‘देसी’ देशपांडे

  • काश ये दिल होता Tupperware का

    हम प्यार करते थे उनसे बेशुमार,
    उनके इश्क मैं हुए थे बीमार
    हमे लगा वो भी है उतनी ही बेक़रार,
    कर बैठे प्यार का इज़हार.

    फिर क्या कहे क्या हुआ
    अच्छे खासे दिल का मालपुआ हुआ,
    दिल तो हमारा था कोमल और नाज़ुक
    पर जब टूटा तो आवाज़ आई जैसे चले कोई चाबुक,
    कांच की तरह टुकड़े हुए उसके हज़ार,
    सारे अरमानो का हुआ मच्छी बाज़ार.

    काश ये दिल न होता कांच जैसा brittle
    और हर बार ना होते इसके टुकड़े little little,
    अगर ये होता Tupperware जैसा मज़बूत
    गिर पड़ संभल कर भी रहता साबुत,
    प्यार की गर्मी और चाहत की सर्दी झेलता
    हर मौसम येह ख़ुशी ख़ुशी खेलता,
    हर सप्ताह नयी नयी गृहणियो के संग पार्टी मनाता
    कुंवारी ना सही, शादीशुदा का ही संग पाता.

    पर क्या करे यही है कुदरत का न्याय,
    Tupperware के दिल का कभी ना खुल सकेगा अध्याय… कभी ना खुल सकेगा अध्याय.

    Dedicated to all the losers in the world :)…

  • हैदराबादी प्रेम कहानी… जो हो ना सकी

    महिना था फरवरी का,
    समय था वोह अफरा तफरी का
    Placement का चल रहा था त्यौहार,
    क्योकि आजकल वही तो रह गया है प्रबंधन शिक्षा का सार.

    मैं बैठा था interview कक्ष मैं, सवालों से जूझता
    कभी हँसता, कभी लडखडाता
    अचानक मुझसे पुछा गया,
    आप लगते है कहानीकार
    हम देखना चाहते है आपके विचार.

    मैंने उठायी कागज़ कलम,
    सोचा प्रस्तुत करू हास्य रस, या फिर थोडा गम
    विचारों की धारा बहने लगी
    मेरी इस नौकरी को प्राप्त करने और हैदराबाद जाने की इच्छा बढ़ी.

    बिरयानी की आई महक,
    मन न जाने क्यों मेरा गया चहक
    चिरंजीवी का आया विचार,
    तेलुगु सिनेमा की जय जयकार
    वोह चावल का ढेर, पप्पू के संग,
    गोंगुरा का अचार जमाएगा रंग*
    चार मीनार की वोह गलिया,
    जहा पकेगा इश्क का दलिया
    पर इश्क के लिए तो चाहिए लड़की,
    तेलुगु सीखे बिना छाएगी कडकी
    सोचा मैंने यह सब करूँगा,
    तेलुगु सीख, लड़की पटा कर, शादी करूँगा.

    कुछ वक्त पश्चात आई यह खबर,
    मिली नौकरी छायी ख़ुशी इस कदर
    पर फिर मैं रहा गया मुंबई नगरी,
    न गया हैदराबाद न छायी प्यार की बदरी.

    आज विचार आया की काश कुछ ऐसा होता,
    मुह मैं डबल का मीठा और संग साथी अनूठा होता
    मुंबई की गलिया नाप नाप कर मैं हु थका
    यह था मेरा अनोका रिश्ता, जो हो न सका… हो न सका.

    * Pappu is thickish daal served usually in Andhra meals. Gongura is a super tasty pickle served along with rice and pappu and sambhar and the crispy veggies in an awesome andhra meal.

    This poem is dedicated to the wonderful lady who made me write this story in interview and all the awesome Hyderabadi/Andhra people.

  • टमाटर की व्यथा: Ketchup बनू या कटरीना का Body Wash

    गुमसुम गुमसुम…
    लाल लाल, नरम नरम,
    इस टमाटर मैं है बड़ा दम.

    जब टमाटर ketchup बन जाता,
    हर टेबल की यह शोभा बढाता.

    पकोड़े हो या पिज़्ज़ा, समोसा हो या आमलेट,
    टमाटर है कुदरत की एक भेंट.

    पर जब इंसान को हक है अपना जीवन जीने का,
    तो क्या टमाटर को हक नहीं अपनी राह चुनने का?

    किस्मत मैं था उसके की ketchup बन जाऊ,
    बच्चो बड़ो सबके दिल मैं समाऊ.

    पर उसे क्या पता था की वोह बन सकता है body wash कटरीना का,
    उस कोमल बदन पर छीटा गुलाब का.

    शीला की जवानी, टमाटर की रवानी,
    टमाटर लिखे प्यार की एक नयी कहानी.

    सलमान, रणबीर है किस खेत की मूली,
    जब खुद टमाटर खेले लाल रंग की होली.

    कटरीना भी हुई दीवानी,
    टमाटर की थी यही अनोखी कहानी.

    – अभिषेक देशपांडे ‘देसी’

    Refer:

    Ek Junoon- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSsSM2IR2LY

    Inspirations: Rosesh Sarabhai

  • Bachpan ka Hawww, Bani Jawani Ki awww…

    Remember when we were kids and,

    • Someone fired an abuse like the dreaded S Word
    • Someone’s pant dropped by mistake
    • Someone choked up after going on stage

    Or when we were even smaller kids,

    • Someone wetted/soiled their pants
    • Someone forgot the multiplication table of 6

    we all used to say Hawww…followed by a handsome serving of shame shame, and even pappi shame.

    But as kids become older, and become much more mature, and much more facebook-ish, they found newer avenues and awww… came into being

    Awww… for me and a few others is the most irritating expression ever invented, it smells, sounds & looks very artificial. My first tryst with awww… came during the much forgettable days at vyapaar school, where ever pic on facebook was celebrated as an event of great victory & awww-ness.

    Then there were always those awww… girls, or awww… sisters as someone called them a few days back, they connected with a bond which ran through their cheeks, all the pics were loaded on facebook, cheek to cheek, neck slightly tilted, and a firey grin to top it up, and then followed up with a zillion aww-full comments. I think this is something which runs across all the b-schools as I have recently noticed.

    Awww moments are not only female centric, they can be a male phenomenon as well, where supposedly cute n hot girls click pics with sincere and honest guys (our yearbook describes everyone in the batch like that), and then people post the same aww-some comments.

    Some people like it, some dont, I certainly don’t, its sometimes like the screeching sound of thermocol, or that of fingernails on blackboard for me, but everyone is free to use whatever they want to, people might the same about my pet MAHAAN, so its ok.

    I am just trying to point out a trend, that’s it…awww…kay.

    p.s.: name is inspired from a famous writing which shows quite a lot on the wall paintings from Gwalior en route to Delhi on Indian Railways 🙂

  • Yellow

    All characters in this story are fictional and bear no resemblance to anyone dead or living

    2005

    After the great Mumbai floods engineers were repairing the sewer system of the city, an engineer mistakenly planted dynamite on one of the lines, the blast was big, and it released crores of tonnes of pure Golden shit on one of the suburbs of mumbai. To check the devestation all the shit was diverted to a large 25000 acre area designated for a SEZ soon. Area sinked, and it definitely stinked.

    In that plot was hidden long back, a treasure of immense value, all of it pure gold.

    Present Day

    Bhairav is the coolest rag picker in the town of Mumbai, has two of everything, but misses the essential thing which should exist in pair. Apprently his boxing buddy, Langdu Sethji with manly boobs and a raunchy paunch kicked him in his gehnas once. From that day, Bhairav yearns for everything in pairs.

    Langdu and Bhairav are the best rag pickers in town, but Langdu can swim saala, and that too in shit. Bhairav wants to go for treasure in the shit laden area, but Langdu says no.

    Langdu’s wife munni is an expert in picking rag underpants, which she even tries on herself at times. she is hot though and even Bhairav has the hots for her ;). Munni says she is poor (thats why lesser clothes) & wants to be rich & start a Safai Vidyalaya on the lines of one by Baapu at Ahmedadbad.

    Cut Scene– Andheri

    Langdu’s brother is the top begger in Andheri, popularly known as Spam he also rides in a haathgaadi (Shaan movie’s Mazhar Khan style). At night he takes part in an underground haathgaadi drifitng race. Haathgaadi race expert Don Karnash challenges him in front of his hot eucuch friend chikki. Chikki drops her pallu for the race to begin, and Spam wins it. Don Karnash asks spam to deliver a box for him which he misplaces. In between he falls in love with Chikki. Don Karnash him for life and even burns is haathgaadi. Spam hitchhikes and reaches the boundaries of Shithole where Munni, Bhairav & Langdu are waiting…

    (I am cutting on the hit song, Haggi Waggi, by Chilly Min-Hug and few other songs…)

    These guys hang out near the shit pond, singing Balluuuu, yeh saans pukaare, Baluuu…

    and all of a sudden appears Balu, along with Madam Ritika Mahalingam and Kid Cloud waala. Punter and Dolly are not seen though.

    It seems Balu is a dushman of Don Karnash & wants him badly. In the mean time Langdu developes a liking for Madam Mahalingam, much to the distaste of munni, who starts wearing even dirtier and smaller rags to catch his attention.

    Climax

    Don Karnash wants money from spam for loosing his box of whatever, 50 Mn Zimbabwean Dollars. As Spam and others are unaware about the latest currency rates they get scared and plan to go for the treasure. Balu has a seaplane which can carry them to shitpond and Langdu knows the location. It seems his dad almost reached the treasure. When he tells the story Kid Cloudwaala realises that he is Langdu & spam’s brother who got lost on the day of floods.

    But Langdu has a secret to share.

    It seems their dad was off to find some treasure and he found it somewhere in the mid of shit pond, but Langdu was having loosemotions that day, and he used to the pond to do you know what. The level started rising and his dad lost control and sunk and died. Langdu is scared of that place.

    But he is convinced and Balu drops him using his seaplane to the location. Here they put the anchor, Madam Mahalingam & Munni cook food and the guys go for treasure hunting.

    Shit main tairne ke teen golden rule,

    – Never breath
    – Hamesha Saath main raho
    – Never shit…otherwise, you know what can happen

    They find the treasure, but Don Karnash comes and as usual grabs the heroines. Then they come out of rooms and the dress area of their arms is removed (remember the old movies, what this signified, confused me ). Anyways heros have found the treasure now (100 20 KG toilets made of solid gold), but Balu starts breathing and dies of the smell, being heavy he sinks too. The others float back, fight and rescue heriones. Bhairav is found missing.

    Don Karnash tells everyone that he and Bhairav planned this and now he would kill everyone. Bhairav comes up and tells that he fooled everyone because Langdu being color blind too was the only one who could have spotted Yellow in Yellow. so he picked him and made a fool of him. He runs away and kills Don Karnash on the way by flushing him in the pond.

    Madam Mahalingam uses the seaplane to go away and other live happily, but one day Bhairav calls and tells them that he has progressed from being a rag picker to India’s largest toilet manufacturer, all Yellow in color. And Chikki is his wife or something.

    **The End**

    Request: Dont watch Blue, please

  • मदन – कहानी एक Pub की

    ***Starring ***Chipu
    ( I have decided to write a book on the life and times of this guy)
    Rattu
    Bhussu

    ***And***

    Dandit
    Mimpy
    Bho-Bho-ti
    Pat-rick
    Nippu

    ***Friendly Appearance***

    KAddu
    Piddu
    Anit Pacob Jillpose
    Khakre

    ***Scene-1 ***

    Somewhere on quite nice crowded street on Bangalore (crowd is implicit in Bangalore), ambling around are three stupid looking individuals, quite visibly mistaking the road as a Bird Sanctuary. ( For people in Bangalore I am referring the set of perpendicular roads connecting from Jyoti Nivas College-Koramangala 4th Block side to Forum-100ft road connection).

    But enough of birds, these guys have never got them, one of them although carries the distinction of breaking eggs :), lot of them :D. Who’s interested, Chipu, Rattu and Bhussu just want some beer, and they will get it at Madan Pub. Small shabby looking place where evil ideas thrive, men with rotten faces, dirty lungis and unbrushed moustaches laugh like Ashok Vatika Sita Kidnappers, light is dim, TV always throws a classic Rajkumar Classic (the same one always where he plays a Rajkumar) and waiters serve with uncut nails filled with smudge..yuk

    But beer is cheap and thats Ok, for us 🙂

    This place was discovered by Fake Kannada speaking Bho-Bho-ti, patronised by the wide assed king of bangalore, Pat-Rick & made popular by rattu. Anit Pacob Jillpose lived in Pune but he dreamt of going to madan, and Khakre cracked up as we muttered him stories of Madan.

    Madan Rocks, no… Madan Mahaan hai 🙂

    In an area full of beautiful chiks and chikkis, this is the place, where Men can be Men, and not those spiked hairs, loose jeans, jockey showing lean kids, they can hold their drink with pride and drink and bask in the glory of the super dim lights which make you look, evil.

    I dont remember whether Mimpy visited it, but this is a place liked by 3 of us who came here tonight, me, Bhussu, Chipu. Bhussu loves drinking, and following it up with Hyderabadi Biryani, Drinking loves Chipu, and will always love him. As for me, I can walk downstairs to pick up Mysore Pak off Adayar anand bhavan 🙂

    But as Mimpy says, yeh ek Mahaan jagah hai, so ashtumaadi

    Kahani starts when Nippu comes to Bangalore… till then wait maadi

  • Another Kiddie incident

    Posted one long back on Kids. Today was time for another classic incident:)

    Words from a 6th Class Kiddo on the car backseat,

    “Virginity is a man’s gift to his wife”

    Couldn;t stop laughing for the next few hours, Gen Next/X/Y/Z/Whatever is really scary at times 🙂

  • Theory of Sleep Management

    The best thing you learn at a B-School is “Time Management”

    Ok, there were so many MBA’s out there who said that to me. But that was before I joined a B-School, now that I have joined one of the best ones around, I have realised that its not at all about time. It’s about something which we all enjoy doing, SLEEPING.

    This is what David Allen says on Time Management (first thing on Wiki page of this topic),

    You can’t manage time, it just is. So “time management” is a mislabeled problem, which has little chance of being an effective approach. What you really manage is your activity during time, and defining outcomes and physical actions required is the core process required to manage what you do.

    We will try to rephrase it in context of Sleep through the length of this post. Anyway coming back to a B-School, in between all the subjects, quizzes, assignments, those group works, lectures, hostel, everything involves a bit of sleep. There is no more physical exercise (except the stupid dancing sessions we have at Boy’s Hostel sometime), it all about giving rest to your mind. Although sleep does provide for Physical Exercise, you can sleep on sides, straight, upside down (as I do nowadays), also while sleeping in classroom, you can bend your neck which is highly effective against neck pain, then you can stretch your elbows and press your cheeks against those cold tables….Ahaa

    People sleep in Class, thats a universal fact, the first time I slept in class was post school though, that was at a FIITJEE center New Delhi where I went for a IIT crash course. By the way I also slept while working on a B-Plan(plan related to IIT’s) recently.

    Also you find variety of people obsessed with sleeping in different ways, my friend hasodi here asked me yesterday to ping her every half hour to keep her awake, but she slept before the first ping happened, then you see a nice chirpy fellow on the 3rd floor of my hostel who I have seldom seen fully awake, and then there is this lady here, who asks questions while she is sleeping, and a Happy Sardar who just ensures that his eyes turn tomatoes but he doesn’t sleep.

    I have my own unique style, its like a camera shutter, those eyes behind those specs of mine ( I have broken two since coming to Mumbai) shut on and off. Its basically my mind which tries to sleep, but somewhere there is that conscious which tells me, come on Desi, you should listen to the lecture, you should study. What finally gets through the mind is my favourite dish, khichdi.

    Any activity at a B-School and you need to cut down on your sleep, not on your time, although it might be related but I believe sleep and food are related to productivity than no other thing. A chain ki neend ensures proper completion of activities and better concentration. Now this is what the experts say, the more I sleep at night, the more I sleep in classes is the relationship I have observed.

    To summarise, your stay at B-School is a function of Sleep Management and not time.

    Success = K X SleepFactor

    Where K is a correction factor, for me its food, for some others it maybe finding a girlfriend at B-School etc etc. Sleepfactor is a number calculated on the basis of hours you sleep. Its basically an average number of hours slept for a particular time period. Although I am not sure whether this may follow inferential statistics and this maybe extended to the overall Success over two years…

    Enough of all this bakwaas, let us try to reframe the theory I quoted at the beginning,

    You can’t manage SLEEP, it just comes to you naturally. So “sleep management” is a mislabeled problem, which has little chance of being an effective approach. What you really manage is your activity during SLEEP(read dreaming, asking questions etc.), and defining the number of hours of sleep, and your outcomes and external factors required(read mattress, tables, chairs, music while sleeping etc.) required is the core process required to manage how you sleep.

    I just feel while publishing this that this is my worst post ever, totally irrelevant and useless, Dahi Vada and Aalasya, aahaa, those were the days.

  • Long Live the Aam Aalsi Aadmi

    If R.K.Laxman gave The Common Man (Aam Aadmi) to World, we give the world the Aam Aalsi Aadmi. Some of the charecteristics of AAA,

    • He is Aam, Aam as in Aam- the Common.
    • He is Aalsi
    • First two sentences prove that He is a Aadmi

    Also rather than being a silent witness to most of the events around him and having an opinion about it, AAA is suppose to save his energy by having an opinion but not being at the site of incident. AAA is gifted with a strong sense of instinct which helps them form opinions without even observing an incident.

    The Cartoon character is still under design but he is supposed to look quite shabby due to his Aalasya preventing him from taking a bath.

    We are in talks with Air Deccan for replacing their mascot with ours once its designed, the Aalsi theme much in sync with their timings…:)

    This character is truly inspired from one person whom I consider to be the human incarnation of the Aam Aalsi Aadmi. In his own words,

    alasya kabhi marta nahin hai…bas so jaata hai

    meTaL or LKP (its pronounced as ल क प ) is the true representative of the Aam Aalsi Aadmi, one who inspires everyone to Billi glory. From the sleepy hostels of DA-IICT to the irky dorms of IIM-Indore he effuses laziness in its full glory. In his company I have spent countless hours just doing nothing and creating some silly things like the once famous DTC (DA-IICT Tond Club). He is a true inspiration for millions of us showing that sleeping is far more superior mechanism of nutrition than food itself. Sleep gives us more energy than Carbs to basically do nothing and save it for future, quite important as the world moves towards an imminent Energy Crisis.

    Other members which truly deserve the company of ल क प,

    • Inzamam-ul-haq aka Inzy, former Cricket Captain of Pakistan.
    • Sarat aka TTY (read as तू तो यार), aalasya and intelligence zipped in one file, currently lazying out at IIIT Hydbad
    • JD who is heading to IIIT HydBad 🙂 (We will all miss you at office, volleyball, home and Bangalore 😦 )

    Me leaving myself out, I am aalsi but not in the league of these extraordinary Gentlemen.

    p.s.- No offense meant against any of the above-mentioned individuals, I think they are truly all amazingly intelligent individuals…(including the great RK Laxman). And all of you take bath for sure…maybe!!! Thanks to Jaine for telling me the famous quote of LKP to work on…:)

    p.p.s- The character will be copyrighted by me soon, so no infringement…:)